Feeling Fine? The Complexity Behind a Simple Question

In the early days of autumn, amidst laughter over pizza and wine, I found myself in a heartfelt discussion with a wonderful friend in Ayvalık, a charming town on Turkey’s Aegean coast. My friend, who hails from Turkey, paused thoughtfully and delivered a striking observation: “You know what? When I ask how you are, you never really respond. You dive into broader topics, like politics, but avoid giving a personal answer.” His words have lingered in my mind, leading me to the realization that he was, unfortunately, onto something.

While I might prefer to be seen as laid-back, the seemingly simple inquiry of “How are you?” can be quite daunting for me. It triggers a moment of pause; I often wish we could bypass it entirely. I hesitate to get into a detailed exploration of my feelings – a topic I secretly wish to delve into. But addressing my inner turmoil might be overwhelming for the other person, and it feels unjust to share my struggles. My upbringing emphasized stoicism: keep moving forward, stay logical, and confront reality for what it is – harsh and challenging.

A Cultural Perspective on “How Are You?”

Interestingly, I’m not alone in this sentiment. I believe my complex relationship with this common question is rooted in a broader cultural phenomenon, particularly prevalent in Germany. While generalizations can be tricky, there is a collective experience at play here.

In many cultures I’ve encountered, such as Turkey or the UK, greetings often include a quick, “Hello, how are you?” with little expectation of a sincere answer. Instead, it’s a social nicety – a ritual rather than an actual inquiry. Contrarily, in Germany, “How are you?” becomes notably intricate. Responding with “I’m fine” can feel almost surreal, naïve, or insincere. We grapple with the expectation to answer genuinely while wrestling with how much to reveal about our internal states.

A Typical Exchange

A typical interaction might sound like this:

• Person A: “How are you?”
• Person B: “Ach. I’m okay…” (pause) “Actually… did you catch the news?”

So, why does this happen? My theory points to a deep discomfort with vulnerability and a skepticism towards superficiality. We can’t merely say something for the sake of pleasantries; our conversations must carry weight.

The Quest for Depth

Some may argue that this fixation on meaningful interaction is a strength. We avoid empty smiles and hollow formalities, valuing precision over fluff. The German language, with its unique words like “Weltschmerz” (a feeling of world-weariness) and “Geborgenheit” (a sense of safety and coziness), captures complex emotions with remarkable depth. But do these terms genuinely reflect our emotional spectrum, or do they serve as barriers that prevent us from openly sharing our true feelings?

My friend’s observation about the futility of possessing such beautiful words without feeling them resonates deeply. He pointed out that merely having the vocabulary doesn’t equate to genuine emotional experience. Feeling and possessing emotions are distinct concepts.

A Generational Legacy

As a journalist, I’ve had the privilege of interviewing many women who were artists or writers growing up in Germany during the 1930s and 1940s. A recurring theme in our discussions was that “How are you?” was a question rarely posed in their youth. This reveals a broader, intergenerational challenge tied to the traumatic memories of the early 20th century and is often associated with what’s referred to as “German angst” – our collective inclination towards anxiety and caution. This heritage continues to shape our hesitation to engage openly, inhibiting our ability to take risks and speak out when it truly matters.

Interestingly, we engage fervently in dialogues about “Vergangenheitsbewältigung” – a German term for confronting and reconciling with the past. Yet, we seldom delve into how these historical atrocities have affected us emotionally, creating barriers to expressions like answering “How are you?” honestly. It becomes evident that we carry unresolved issues.

Changing Perspectives

Heike Geißler, in her recent essay “Arbeiten (To Work)”, poignantly reflects on this convoluted inquiry, stating, “The sense of overwhelm I sometimes feel when trying to answer that question – realizing: I don’t even want to know. It has transformed from a simple salutation into a demand for deep introspection.” Responding now feels like an assertion of one’s stance, a confession that often becomes an uphill battle.

This reluctance results in a perception of being cold, distant, and consistently detached, preventing us from enjoying these small, but impactful interactions that enrich our connections with others. The essence of an encounter often lies not in profound discussions, but in the atmosphere and how interactions make us feel.

A Hopeful Outlook

Looking ahead, my hopes are pinned on the younger generations, those benefiting from a healthcare system that encourages therapy and promotes mental wellness. They successfully articulate their feelings, mocking the outdated ideals of keeping everything bottled up. They might not respond with “I’m fine” either, but they communicate their thoughts, fears, and personal reflections openly. This approach appears to be significantly healthier and more genuine.

As we reunite with family and friends during the upcoming holidays, perhaps it’s time to lower our defenses and openly share the flaws we’ve been conditioned to conceal for generations. What’s the worst that could happen?

Conclusion

Our approach to the question “How are you?” reveals much about our cultural background and personal upbringing. By embracing honesty and vulnerability, we can foster deeper connections and enrich our social interactions. Let’s challenge the norms and allow ourselves to express our reality more freely.

• Many cultures treat “How are you?” as a simple greeting rather than a profound inquiry.
• Germany’s complex relationship with this question often leads to deeper conversations or avoidance altogether.
• Younger generations are more open about their feelings, fostering healthier discussions.
• Honesty in our responses may enhance our connections with others during interactions.